Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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