her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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