I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
