I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
