I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
