And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
