Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
