I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
