dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
