So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
no. you can't hotbox the world.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize