I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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