Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
