im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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