just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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