So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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