Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
