Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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