So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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