I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
