let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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