where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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