you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
