I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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