I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
