Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
