You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
