After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
