hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
