I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
