i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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