apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
