so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So much Jack, so little girl.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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