no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
