I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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