Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
