why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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