dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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