he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
