Joe is yelling at the trees again.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
