If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
