420 ftw
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wish you could order shots online.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
