I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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