I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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