And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
