Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
