Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
