I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
