I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
