It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
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i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
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Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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