Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
