Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
